From the Lab Rat’s Desk March 30, 2007

Today I had to make a trek downtown, both to the bank and to see a doctor about changing my pain medication schedule. It couldn’t have been a more beautiful day to make the trip. It was warm, the little black leather jacket I wore was almost too warm. I did bring a camera, hoping the mood would strike me and there was something worth shooting. Also I wanted to see if the yarn sale still offered up some bargain yarns for my increasingly expensive knitting habit (up to two sweaters and week and then some).

The bank was fast enough. I did drop my keys when you cant feel things with your hands and judge pressure you just drop things left right and centre. The very pleasant security guard in a cheerful yellow turban which matched his company jacket exactly brought it to my attention, thank goodness, keys are expensive to replace these days.

The beautiful weather had an effect on everyone, I cannot remember when last I saw so many smiles. Smiles in stark contrast to the glumness of the attending doctor at the clinic. That was a trial and a half. Imagine, finally I had a letter from the appointed expert on pain and pain management, the very man I had been urged to go and see by everyone including this clinic. The letter was already in my file and highlighted in yellow highlighting ink. I wish I could know which bits they highlighted.

Since my last appointment with my own doctor (who cannot currently prescribed p-ain medications) I have been taking my pills three times a day instead of two as I burn through the little buggers in 8 hours even though they are designed to do so in 12, that hopefully will reduce nighttime pain and let me sleep and also lessen my use of break through medications. Makes sense, right?

Not to this doctor. Even though it was spelled out in the letter (which I re-read to him several times while there), he shook his head and said no. He then mentioned that I should perhaps seek the opinion of the chronic pain clinic, the very one who wrote this letter. I pointed out that this was a letter from that very pain clinic and suddenly it was ok for me to take them 3 times a day. Of course if you think this might be enough to finally stop being treated like an addict you’d be wrong. Now there is talk of a “contract” with me and drug testing – what the f*#k. So having just enough pills left over until Monday he will see me Monday and give me a week’s worth. I am out of ideas in how to deal with this – Ideas? In this letter it mentions taking the medication upward over a period of weeks to see how far down the pain can be brought before it becomes sedating (those are the terms in the letter), that doesn’t look likely however.

I really don’t want to find yet another doctor, and I am tired of being told I am complicated and O find it insulting that both myself and my doctor are being treated as if we don’t count as participants in all this. – sigh – So Monday another day trip into town, they’ve no idea how draining and disruptive all this is.

Still it was a warm and sunny day and I did get some nice shots of cherry blossomed parts of the downtown core and continued to walk slowly and steadily to the yarn store, which did have yarn on sale which was a real find, and it serves no purpose to feel angry and disappointment wears down.

One sad note, when I came home I found my brave little mouse dead in his little cage. He’’s been sickly for about a week, but last night still came and got a treat from me before bed. I think the little guy just feel asleep. So I put his limp little body in a small chocolate box in a blanket of clean paper towel and a small cookie bit like he liked. I taped it shut and wrote on the box “you were my good and brave little mouse and I love you, I will see you again in another life”. I’m a little sad to have lost him. To some just a pesky rodent but, honestly, this little mouse was such a character. I will miss him.

The story of how Trillian came to me here: http://aletteke.wordpress.com/2006/08/10/brave-little-mouse/

Well, now I’m going to have a little supper, calories always make you feel better.

aletta